


Lovely (Heart Made Of Glass)

by selkieskin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Canon Compliant, Comfort, Coming Out, Communication, Confessions, Crying, Dancing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay Character, Getting Together, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Negotiations, Relationship Negotiation, Requited Love, Romantic Fluff, Talking, Unconventional Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26594791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selkieskin/pseuds/selkieskin
Summary: Yuta watches Winwin dancing in the practice rooms quite often, even now. He's never been clear with him about why he does this, always thought he could hide it, play it off as a joke. But then Winwin needs a partner for the Lovely choreography he's practicing, and teaches it to Yuta, and it gets harder and harder to hide.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 9
Kudos: 140





	Lovely (Heart Made Of Glass)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was based on three things – firstly, that Yuta said in a Vlive that he sees Winwin all the time in the practice rooms. Secondly, the wonderful video series on dancing styles by Shakyraindrop on Youtube, honestly do go and watch 'Anatomy of a Dancer: Winwin' and then do the same for Yuta, it will make much more of this make sense. And thirdly, the fancam of the performance of Lovely that Ten and Winwin did at a fanmeet that Panda Milk posted on Youtube. Based off that final one, a good friend of mine came up with this idea, so all credit to them for this story in the first place. This is set a few months back, before we ever knew there would be an NCT2020, but finally published in celebration of the news that YuWin will be reunited again. I hope it goes well.
> 
> Enough talking. Enjoy.

Winwin just nodded in greeting as Yuta entered the dance studio, engrossed in stretching. Yuta was tired and sweaty from his own dance practice, and it was late - so late that most of the neighbouring practice rooms would be empty of trainees by now - but here he was, doing what he always did this late at night when he had the chance – just sitting at the back of the room, watching Winwin dance. Especially when he got to really move in the way that he was best at – letting his long, clean lines and majestic gestures tell a story through movement, through dance. Often these late-night practices were when he maintained his abilities in Chinese traditional dancing – one of the few things he did for himself, and one of the few things that Yuta allowed himself to indulge in when it came to Winwin recently. 

Or 'Sicheng', as the Chinese members sometimes called him, his real name. To Yuta though, he was always Winwin – he knew it was a silly, cute nickname, but that's just who he was to him now. He didn't want that to change, at least.

Yuta sat down, back against the wall opposite the mirror, just subtly drinking in the sight of Winwin, and trying to look casual about it. Like he was just interested for friendship reasons. That was true too, of course, but it was far from an accurate picture of his real reasons.

Yuta's realisation that he felt more for the Chinese boy than simply protective friendship had taken a long time to come to him. For a ridiculously long time, long beyond where everyone else could see it, his heart hid behind excuses – he just wanted to help him out one foreigner to another; of course, everyone liked Winwin in their little 'family' and understood that Yuta did too; he needed to pretend to like him more than he did as fanservice to get popular and get attention; even, in the later stages, he told himself that Winwin looked like a girl somehow and it was that that was at the root of all these feelings.

But Winwin was pouring his heart out to Yuta one night a little over three years ago, talking about his fears for the future and whether he was good enough, back before WayV was anything more than a rumour with the name _NCT Vision_. In a practice room just like this one, the two of them stared at their reflection together in the mirror covering the opposite wall, and Yuta had looked at Winwin, and his beautiful face, with his soft-looking lips, and was suddenly hit like a freight train with this realisation, this undeniable feeling – and it wasn't brotherly, and it wasn't friendly, and it certainly wasn't anything to do with any girl. And as that shock of realisation spread through his whole body, another also spread – he knew that he could never tell him.

Winwin was not like Yuta. He'd always protested and pushed him away when he got too much. He was uncomfortable with Yuta's touch, with anybody's touch. He never seemed interested in anybody that way, or if he was, he never said. 

Yuta was from Japan, where liking another boy was seen as a silly romance plotline thing, or nothing but childish experimentation (even if he was getting too old for that to be a plausible excuse any more, and was drifting fast into unacceptable territory by wishing to spend his life with someone who wasn't a woman). Winwin on the other hand was from China, where not only was any positive mention of that sort of thing non-existent, it was actually banned in media, with movies and dramas being censored or pulled off air entirely for daring to include a same-sex relationship. Even beyond that, Winwin had also come from a strict family, which was why he'd had such intensive training in traditional dance since he was young, why he always sat with his back perfectly straight, why he seemed so innocent, sheltered at times... no. The concept would be alien to him. Yuta couldn't endure what would follow. He didn't like to even imagine how it would go.

So, instead, Yuta pushed down his feelings, and tried to act normal. He played it off as a big joke, and only really let his guard down when Winwin couldn't see – when he'd slept in the room they used to share, when looking at videos or photos of him when he was alone, or here, in the dance studio, his sharp focus on dance and not on the Japanese man at the back watching the way he moved under the flourescent lights of the practice room, the corridor outside dark and deserted.

Lately, as Winwin had been away in China more and more, he'd been changing. He was imbued with this new poise, this new confidence, even new muscles, and it was _sexy_. He seemed more and more distant every time from the image Yuta had always had of him - as someone who couldn't navigate this country alone, as a kid that needed protecting, as a damsel in distress… he seemed more like himself, more comfortable. But that person was a stranger to Yuta. 

Sometimes Yuta worried that he'd just been blinded by denial before, that it could alter his perception of a person so much. Sometimes he worried that he'd been forcing Winwin to act that way, by needing him to. Forcing him into a mould that didn't fit. Damaging him.

It was like an unspoken barrier had grown between them, and Yuta was now trying not to interfere, was trying to really stand back and understand who Winwin really was without him. Not NCT 127's Winwin, but the real thing. 

Winwin dipped and span as part of his warm up practices, and Yuta's breath caught. _He still looks like an angel, though,_ he thought. _He always did._ Yuta pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them against himself, looking up through his fringe at the other man.

He only had this silent watching left. Compared to how much time they used to spend together, attached at the hip, this much time was nothing. Yuta couldn't believe how much time he'd wasted being right beside him, but not really seeing him. After all these years, Winwin was still a mystery to him, and that was entirely his own fault.

Even at this point, Yuta craved this audience seat. His head was pounding from exhaustion, but it was still worth it. For Yuta, watching him was almost like a dream, except he wasn't yet asleep.

Tonight, he recognised the choreography that Winwin began immediately, even without music, and it wasn't a traditional dance. It was one that Winwin had choreographed himself, alongside Ten. A duet. Lovely. But Winwin was dancing by himself – Ten was busy in a different practice room, the big one on the other side of the building, putting in late nights with the rest of SuperM.

As Winwin moved by himself, Yuta held his breath watching his sudden graceful movements, dancing with such precision and such beauty, the slow movement of the head followed by the sudden bend and stretch of limbs. Lacking his mirror image, but conveying enough feelings for two people. Winwin was always so good at that. Yuta could always feel the emotions of his dancing from him, from his face, from his gestures. It was a gift. Storytelling through dance. Yuta hadn't come from a dance background, not before he got into SM - the way Winwin danced seemed like another world to him.

Yuta had watched the video for this particular choreography so many times. So many times, until he was almost used to the way his breath caught in his throat and that ugly jealousy twisted inside of him seeing Winwin act this out with someone else. Someone who wasn't him. Somewhere unreachable, unattainable for him. He wondered how Ten had persuaded Winwin to go along with it in the first place – Winwin hadn't even seemed that uncomfortable, which upset Yuta somehow. Had he really just assumed? Was this the same denial-blindness messing with his perceptions? Did he really not know this Winwin at all?

Winwin sighed, and his arms flopped to his sides, looking at Yuta behind him via his reflection in the mirror.

“Can you help me?” he asked.

Yuta froze, momentarily, having not expected to do anything other than remain in the background with his thoughts and his aching tiredness, but he forced his face to give his trademark relaxed, healing smile.

“Of course. What with?”

“I need to get this perfect for a fanmeet coming soon, but I can't do this on my own. Seeing as you're here, can you stand in for Ten's part? I'll teach it to you.”

Yuta couldn't help the thrill at the suggestion, and he felt his face snap straight from a forced smile to a real, excited one. Dancing a romantic duet dance with Winwin? Alone, in a practice room together? What else could he say?

“Yes,” he responded, jumping to his feet. “Isn't... isn't it really hard, though?”

Winwin snorted dismissively, turning to him.

“You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be in the right place for the parts of this that involve me interacting with Ten. This just isn't working, practicing this on my own – it won't take that long for you to learn what I need you to, and otherwise this whole night might be wasted. Come on Yuta, I know how fast you learn choreographies. Please?”

“I already said yes, didn't I?”

“OK. Come here.”

Yuta couldn't help his ridiculous wide smile as Winwin pulled him into position, explaining to him how he needed to move, what he needed to do to let Winwin practice properly. It had been a long time since he and Winwin had touched, he was beginning to realise. It was like the world had suddenly regained some of its colour, and he hadn't realised how dim it had been. He tried to school his excited smile, but it wouldn't be repressed, so he gave up and just let it stay.

But the smile faded to a look of concentration as he realised that yes, this really was hard. Yuta knew what this routine was supposed to look like from the amount of times he'd watched the video. It was more that however much this suited Winwin, it really didn't suit Yuta. Elongating his limbs, pointing his toes, the quiet grace, the balance – these were all so foreign to him, and next to Winwin he felt like a complete beginner, clumsy, heavy, unrefined. It had been a while since a dance had really challenged him like this, and he liked it. Despite how tired he was, he hadn't felt this full of energy in a long time.

Winwin helped – he was exacting, and explained clearly and bluntly what he wanted Yuta to do. Yuta asked as many questions as he could, and tried to really focus on being what Winwin needed from him, rather than his own heart beating faster at how close Winwin was. Was this the right shape? Should he hold his arm there, or higher? How many counts did this move take?

Winwin's face was intense, and so, so close. He'd always had the most perfect, adorable, baby-chick features and that hadn't changed, but there was something different about how his face changed when he was in his element. That serene, almost lethal focus – he'd watched this transformation on so many nights in these rooms, but being caught up in it at this proximity? If Yuta let himself really concentrate on that, he'd be in danger of kissing him. And then he'd never be this close to Winwin ever again. He had to rein it in, try to focus on other things, not stare at his lips, his eyes, his collarbones visible through his shirt... he tried to breathe normally.

“Alright,” announced Winwin at last. “Good. Let's go through the whole routine.”

“With music?”

“Yes, let's.”

Yuta connected his phone up to the room's speakers, brought up the right song, and pressed play, dashing into position for the start. The piano notes sounded in the empty room. The music swelled. They looked at each other.

No, Yuta wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but it felt perfect to him, like he was having the most amazing dream. He touched Winwin's face gently, as Winwin touched his. Their hands touched, and he mirrored the other man exactly. He pinned down Winwin, and he struggled. Winwin's strong hand had hold of him, and bent his arm behind his back, forcing him down. Winwin's fingers closed around his throat, and he felt the brush of Winwin's lips, possessive against his neck, which almost made him forget what came next.

They bent and span together in perfect sync, Yuta feeling the music flow through him and loving that Winwin was by his side, treating him as an equal in dance. He turned away and went to leave, before the crack of the music told him that Winwin had abruptly stopped him in his tracks and Yuta stopped like he’d been struck by lightning. Winwin was drawing him in with some invisible power, and Yuta looked up at Winwin's face, so close, getting closer, and Yuta wasn't able to help the overwhelmed face he made as Winwin's hand held firmly onto the back of his neck, in that vulnerable, intimate place, and pulled Yuta against him as the song drew to a close. _I love you,_ thought Yuta, helplessly, fiercely, breathing in his scent. _I love you so much. Thank you._

The music piece ended, and all went silent, except for their breathing. Somehow, Winwin didn't let go. Yuta didn't pull away either, didn't want Winwin to see. He knew he'd already seen. When Winwin finally spoke, Yuta flinched.

“You... you used to like me, didn't you?”

 _I still do. Always,_ was what Yuta thought. _You're mistaken, I only ever saw you as a friend,_ is what he thought about saying. He didn't say either of those things.

“I'm sorry,” he said instead into the t-shirt fabric on Winwin's bony shoulder. He was weary of denying it. Winwin knew. Winwin definitely knew. The jig was up.

“I know." Winwin's deep voice vibrated against the side of Yuta's head that was touching his neck, still there. "I've known for a long time. _I'm_ sorry. I never really understood what you wanted. I've said ignorant things. I think... I think I made you sad.”

Yuta sighed and pulled back, but Winwin's hand stayed on his neck, stopping him from escaping too far away. Yuta couldn't meet his eyes, so he looked away to the side.

“All I wanted was to be close to you. However you'd let me. If you ever wanted more, I'd be... I can't even imagine how that would make me feel. But I know you don't, so it doesn't matter. My feelings are my own, you don't need to feel burdened by them – how we usually are, I don't want to lose that. I... I miss you enough already.”

Winwin's hand tightened on his neck for a short moment. Yuta reflexively brought his hand up to fist in the bottom of Winwin's t-shirt. Winwin gave a shaky sigh, as if he was anxious about what he was planning to say next.

“I ended up asking Ten about it. About what it meant to be gay.” Even hearing his love interest speaking the word out loud and so close to him was so alien. Yuta had never imagined a situation where they'd ever be talking about it, let alone with Winwin holding onto him in this way. He still felt like he was in some kind of dream, but a bad one, the kind of dream you only get when caught between sleep and waking. Everything was surreal and confusing and unstable, like he'd wake up at any minute, except that this hurt to talk about, it hurt so much, like an infected wound that had never been drained, and that was enough to prove it was really happening, right? He'd been holding this all in for so long, to actually talk about it made him anxious, made him ashamed and unsettled, twisted his stomach inside of him. Dreams weren't supposed to hurt this much, were they?

“What do you mean? What did you ask?” _You talked to him, and not me? Are you closer with Ten than you are with me?_ He couldn't stop his jealous thoughts beneath the surface.

“Well, um...” Winwin looked away too, for the first time in this exchange. Yuta could almost cry. He didn't want Winwin to let go of him, but he couldn't think straight this close. He wanted Winwin to hold him, closer, let him hold on and never let go. He wanted Winwin to let go so he could run away, far away, and stop all this from happening. He closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotions. He almost missed when Winwin started speaking again, answering his question. 

“I... when we started, he had this concept, the bare bones of this choreography that he'd imagined whenever he'd listened to the song. And he told me what it was, and I was uncomfortable about it, so he wanted to know what my problem was.

So... I told him. I told him all the things I'd always heard about gay people being predatory, being only after one thing, about liking... unnatural things. About how you had always pursued me, but you'd never tell me, so I wasn't sure if I could object, or how to bring it up without hurting you, without sounding like I was saying that you were wrong, or perverted in some way, because you were my _friend_. Without hurting you so much that you'd never recover. About how I didn't know if Ten was doing the same thing by getting me to dance like this, and how to talk with him about it.”

“Winwin…" Yuta had to scramble for the words. "I'm sorry. I never meant to put you in that position. I honestly, um, didn't imagine that you ever... cared that much." It was the denial-blindness again. Hurting Winwin. Exactly as he'd feared. "I thought you just brushed it off and kept going.” He paused for a second. “What did Ten even say to all that?”

“He told me I was being stupid, that it wasn't that deep.”

That startled a nervous laugh out of Yuta, and he gave up and let himself fall forward on Winwin's shoulder again – it was clearly nonsense to pretend to himself that he truly wanted to pull away, and this way he could hide his face better, talk more easily knowing that Winwin couldn't see the hurt on his features. Couldn't see the want still written across his face, inappropriate and embarrassing.

“Did he... did he at least answer your questions? Even the ones he thought were stupid?”

“Yes. All of them. And I was glad, you know? Yuta, you never... _talked_ to me, about this stuff.”

Yuta didn't know what to say to that for a few seconds. He blinked, as he tried to come up with an adequate response. He was a bit lost for words. How could he describe all the reasons why he had never done that? In the end, there was only one way to really describe the feeling.

“...I didn't want you to hate me.”

Winwin hummed in dissatisfaction at the response.

“I never hated you, I just didn't understand. Didn't you know I could never hate you? Why didn't you just tell me without letting it drag on for so many years?”

“What? You think I had it all figured out that fast?” He raised his head then, and looked Winwin in the eye, frustrated, laying himself bare. “You'd be shocked if you knew how fucking long it took me. For the longest time, I didn't even know why I was doing what I was doing. And then... I didn't want to be like that. Um. Gay. So I told myself I wasn't. And... and then...” Yuta sighed, and his head flopped forward onto Winwin's broad shoulder, needing that comfort. _“Winwinnie...”_

“Yuta…" Winwin's voice was soft with shock. "I didn't mean to... I understand. I really do. It takes time. I just sort of assumed that you knew, that it was easy for you to know. I didn't realise you'd been struggling with it like this. I'm sorry you had to go through that. There's nothing wrong with being gay, you know? I understand it now.”

“Thank you,” was all Yuta could say to that. “I'm so happy you've said that. It's been hard. It's been so fucking hard. And I think I hurt you, too. I'm so sorry.”

"You don't need to be sorry. I hurt you, too. _I'm_ sorry. It's OK."

"Is it really OK?"

"Yes, Yuta. It's OK."

"OK."

“OK.”

“Winwin… can you hug me? Please?”

“OK.”

They stayed together for a while, just finding comfort in each other, Yuta appreciating the solid feel of Winwin against him, those skinny arms around him, just letting himself try to calm down, try to get his thoughts in order. Yes, it was OK. Winwin was alright. It'd be OK.

"I really didn't know for the longest time, you know?" he said, more for himself than anyone else. "It wasn't deliberate. It was a lot to get my head round."

“I know. I know. I already said, didn't I? You being gay. It's OK." Winwin gulped, nervously. "Yuta, listen... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately too. I think I'm asexual. No, I'm pretty sure I am. Aromantic asexual. Aroace. Do you know what that means?”

Yuta was a little surprised – more at the fact that Winwin had realised than at the actual revelation itself. It was something he'd wondered about Winwin himself, once or twice. He'd never seen him show any interest in anyone, male or female, but he hadn't know if that was just Winwin being careful with his feelings, or if he was just a private person, or what. With Winwin's sheltered upbringing, he'd expected the other man to assume himself straight regardless, to fit the heteronormative template – this night was so weird. Yuta felt like his head might explode.

Yuta found himself gabbling as he drew back, not far as Winwin still hadn’t let him go, but enough to talk, just knowing he needed to say something. Anything. “Yes. I know what you mean. I thought it might be something like that, to be honest. But that doesn't really change anything, does it?” And then backtracked quickly, realising that was a kind of assholeish thing to say. “I mean, sorry, that wasn't what my first response should be. I'm glad you've come to terms with yourself. I'm proud of you for coming to that realisation. God, I'm sorry. I meant... it doesn't change anything. I still... care about you. You're my friend, first and foremost. As for everything else, I always knew you weren't interested, so it doesn't change that. I’m sorry, I’m just… a bit upset right now, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

Winwin gave a short contemplative 'hmm' before responding.

“I was telling you because I want you to know, but also to explain. It wasn't just what I'd always been told about gay people that was getting to me, making me afraid. I, um, I kind of figured out after a little while that you weren't likely to force yourself on me, make me have to deal with it like that. If it was only sex I thought you were after, it might have been easier for both of us, but... there was more to it than that, wasn't there?”

“Yes,” Yuta admitted, long past denying it, needing to make him understand what he truly meant when he said he liked him. “I never saw you as just a sex object. Never.” Yuta was still breathing hard, trying not to get too overwhelmed as he tried to be honest. He knew Winwin could feel him shaking. “I... fell for you. Really. You made my world a brighter place. I wanted to spend time with you forever. That's what that means, what it meant to me. I’m sorry if you were ever scared by that. I don't want things to change."

Winwin was tense again, truly uncomfortable for the first time in this exchange. Yuta moved to pull away again, give him space, worried that he'd ended up going too far that time. But once more, Winwin held him in place, grip steely and definite. And spoke.

“I'd always been told... that rejection was the worst pain someone could inflict on someone else. That attraction was the deepest feeling. And that it was mysterious, and unknowable, and life-changing, and what made you _human_. That it was everyone's life meaning to fall in love with a person, and marry them, and have sex with them forever, and I couldn't understand it because I hadn't yet, and I was waiting, and waiting to feel this feeling that was supposed to be deeper than all my other feelings combined... it never came. So I never understood it. And I was afraid of it – what would something that was bigger, more than what I feel even look like? Something like that... it was terrifying. So I was afraid that telling you something like this... would hurt you so much that you'd never recover. That that's what rejection would do to you. That _you'd_ hate _me._ ”

Yuta was quiet for a moment, and they swayed together slightly, still holding each other.

“If I say 'don't you know I could never hate you?', is that poetic justice, or...?”

Winwin gave a small hurt huff at that.

“That's... fair. But... is that all you have to say? Do you think what I've said is true? Is love really like that for you?”

“I... I don't know. It's kind of... more intense, I think? It's hard to describe. I've never thought about it like that before-”

“But it isn't _more_ , is it?” Winwin's grip on him tightened, and it was almost painful. His sentences were jumbled, as if they'd been fermenting in his head a long time, and were only getting aired for the first time. When Yuta thought about it, he realised they probably were. “That's not true. It can't be. That the way I experience the world is somehow less, that it's a pale comparison, that it matters less, that the way I love people has no value in terms of someone wanting to… to be with me forever… that's not true. It can’t be.”

“Of course it doesn't matter less, of course. Winwin...” Yuta pictured Winwin, the way he danced. His emotional expression was what always made it so special. That intensity, that passion, that interplay of power and helplessness that he brought to it... and it was the same with his traditional dancing. It was the way he channelled his homesickness, his love of beautiful forms, his discipline and training. The way that Winwin's voice softened when he was talking to his family in his home dialect. The way it was so hard to make him laugh, but when he did, he laughed with his whole body. The way that when Winwin noticed that Yuta felt down, he'd quietly suggest they watch an anime together, and let Yuta fuss over him, even when he didn't reciprocate. The way that, even as Winwin was telling him this, was pouring out his deepest feelings and fears, he was worried about hurting Yuta's feelings, even as Yuta carelessly hurt his.

He suddenly realised he'd been neglecting what Winwin said earlier. He must be more sleep-deprived than he thought. He turned into Winwin's ear and brought his hand up to hold his head, needing Winwin to know, needing him to feel the fierceness of how much he meant it.

“Winwin. Listen to me. Mark these words, OK? I _do_ value the way you look at the world. At the way you relate to people. It's just different, it's not missing anything, and I may wish it was different for my own selfish reasons, but listen, it doesn't mean anything bad, or that anything's lacking. It's OK, Winwin. It's OK, just how my sexuality's OK. I believe you when you talk about your emotions, you feel things just as deeply, more deeply even, than anyone I know. It's true, I know that it's true, I see it every day. There are so many ways that you love things, feel things, that aren't any less. Your asexuality isn't a missing part. It's part of what _makes_ you human.”

And suddenly, Winwin was pulling him into his arms, and Yuta let his own arms encircle him, and they clung on to each other, and Yuta was still talking, saying the same kind of soothing nonsense. This was all stuff he never even conceived of saying, and it was a revelation to him too, so he kept saying it as a way to try and process the truth of those words. He didn't quite believe it himself yet, but he wanted to. For Winwin's sake.

“I know you said it was OK earlier, but I'm really sorry. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it. I'm sorry you've had to put up with me and these stupid feelings for all these years. I'm sorry the word is a shit place, and you've been told all these shit things. You matter too. Your feelings matter, even when they aren't romantic, or sexual. They matter just as much as any feelings that are, they're just as strong, and just as valuable to me, to anyone. Anybody who tells you otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about.”

“Thank you, Yuta. That means... so much to me. Your feelings… they're not stupid, never. Being gay is not a bad thing. I understand."

Yuta knew that Korean got harder for Winwin when he was about to cry, so he didn't push. They just stayed together like that, and Winwin sobbed a little into his neck, mostly silently but sometimes trying to articulate something and failing, just making Yuta's shoulder wet. Yuta stroked his hair and shushed him, but didn't pull away. Neither of them pulled away, in fact. It started to dawn on Yuta that he still didn't understand why. Many more minutes passed. When he was sure that Winwin had finished, Yuta spoke again.

“Winwin... can I ask you something?”

Winwin nodded against his shoulder and hummed his consent.

“Um... why...” he gulped, nervous. “Why haven't you let me go yet?”

Winwin was silent for a few seconds.

“Do you... want me to let go of you?”

“Well, no, but you already know my reasons why. I just don't understand why you don't want to either. What is this?”

“I didn't want to. That's all there is to it. I just didn't want to. You like this for your reasons, and I like this for mine, does it need to be that complicated?” 

"Well… no, but…"

He sighed. “Um… well... there is a reason why. But I'm worried you won't understand it, so I want you to promise that you'll really try to understand, and... not think any less of me, or the way I feel.”

Yuta was really mystified now. What on earth was Winwin talking about? But then again, what did he have to lose? He shrugged into the embrace, and said:

“Sure. I'll try to understand.”

"I'm serious."

Yuta turned his head into Winwin's soft hair and breathed him in, squeezing him tighter as a gesture of comfort, of acceptance of… whatever this was. What was this? Did it even matter? He got to hold on to Winwin. That was better than… anything. He needed to savour it while he could.

"So am I. It's alright. Go on."

Winwin hummed unsurely, and haltingly spoke.

“I-I've been... I've been really lonely, in a way. I have good friends, and I always have people around me that like me, but it's not the same. I miss... I miss being touched." Yuta's lips parted in surprise. Winwin continued. "I miss being desired. I miss... you. This is the most physical contact I've had from anyone in months, and I miss it. I need it. And I can't fake some kind of sexual interest to get it, because that would be dishonest. I don't want to lie, and I don't think I'd feel comfortable pretending.

Yuta… I don't know if I have any right to ask this, but… I want you to continue to love me, even if I can't love you back the same way. I've been scared of rejecting you all this time, but I've come to a point where I don't want to reject you any more, and it's for my own reasons. I... don't know how messed up that is. I keep thinking maybe this is out of some messed up perception of being desirable as being valuable, wanting to feel like I'm worth something special to you, maybe I'm just fixating on you because I'm touch-starved and you always gave me affection when I needed it, I don't know, I seriously don't. But I've started to realise… I really am in love with you, in my own way. And... I'm so scared that I'll say this, and you'll turn around and tell me that it's not enough, that the way that I love you has no value to you, that it's not enough, and you'll reject me.” He gave a hollow, sarcastic laugh. “And I suppose it's come full circle hasn't it? Me worried about you rejecting me. God, this is complicated. I don't even know if I made any sense.”

Yuta was overcome. He was silent for a few moments, struggling to let Winwin's words sink in.

“What? You... you love me?”

It was very short compared to what Winwin had said to him, but that was the important part, for Yuta.

“Maybe, I'm not sure if calling it that is accurate, or just… yeah. I mean… yes. But it's not the way you love me.”

Yuta was speechless for a few moments, struck dumb by the implications of this. He didn't know what to say. He'd never even heard of something like this happening. He had no script for this, didn't know what it would even look like. He started to babble again, thoughts a mess.

“I can't answer you straight away. I need to think about it, because all I want to say at this moment is yes, but I don't know how that would work for me long-term. I might end up hurting us both, even more than this. But… I’ll admit that right now, I'm not in any position to be pursuing anyone else, not just because we're always working all the time, but also because... I'm in love with you too. God, there's no one else... I can't imagine being with anyone else right now. And I want to give you what you need, but I don't know if what you need and what I need will really… match up?” He pulled away at last, and they looked at each other, two people just caught up in each other, who had just poured their hearts out to each other, who were both holding on, scared to reject or be rejected. Yuta glanced down at Winwin's lips, and his gaze stuck there. He gulped.

“Winwin... how would you feel about me kissing you?”

Winwin frowned as he considered that for a moment.

“I don't want an open-mouthed kiss. Sorry. Maybe I'll try it at some point, but I don't think I'd like it. Closed-mouth...” he licked his lips, now looking at Yuta's lips in turn. “Maybe. Let's see how I feel.”

Yuta nodded, feeling how delicate the situation was, feeling the pressure for it to be something Winwin liked. His eyes flicked up to Winwin's, meeting that hesitant, scared, wide-open gaze, then back down. As he drank in that perfect face, his mouth watered with the knowledge that soon, whenever he wanted, he would get to kiss that beautiful skin. That he would get to kiss Winwin. _Winwin._

“You're so beautiful,” he whispered unconsciously, as he pressed a soft peck to Winwin's cheek. He drew back and looked at Winwin. Winwin looked back at him, open, trusting, looking touched that Yuta had started with such a soft approach. That gave Yuta the courage to continue. The words to say next came to him easily.

“The way you dance, it's so inspiring to me, I love to watch you,” he said as he brought Winwin's hand up and kissed his palm, softly. And again, he looked at Winwin, and couldn't help his shy smile that Winwin reflected back at him, just being here, with each other, sharing what they could in a way that made them both happy.

Yuta wasn't sure if Winwin would like what he did next as much. Maybe it would be too sexual, too intimate. A kiss on the lips could not mean anything other than a lover's kiss. But Yuta had to try it, at least once. It was worth the risk. His eyes drifted down to Winwin's lips, warning him of what was about to come. And then back up to his eyes, questioning whether this was really OK. Winwin nodded, minutely.

Yuta moved closer to his face, hand coming up to cradle his chin, almost unable to stand it as he breathed his next words.

“I'm in love with you.”

He leant forward and kissed him, the softest, sweetest press of lips he could muster, before making himself pull away. Winwin had closed his eyes, and clearly thought intensely about it for a few moments.

“...Good?” prompted Yuta, afraid to hear the answer.

Winwin's eyes flew open, and Yuta was poleaxed by that intense, brown-eyed gaze. He held himself still, having no idea what Winwin was thinking. Winwin's long hand came up to mirror the way Yuta's had held his chin, and the way he held Yuta's face in place with such intent, it was the most amazing thing Yuta had ever felt. Yuta's heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Winwin was leaning into him. It was surreal, and it was here, and it was happening.

Winwin, of his own volition, kissed Yuta on the lips. It wasn't shy, the way Yuta's had been. It was deliberate. It was purposeful. And it was all of Yuta's dreams come true. Winwin's lips moved against his, solid, real. He restrained himself, and watched Winwin anxiously for his verdict, as Winwin licked his own lips and contemplated it.

“I don't want to do that often, but it's... surprisingly not bad. But I liked it when you kissed my hands more than when you kissed my mouth – is that something you can work with? Is it not enough?”

Yuta caught one of Winwin's hands in his, and squeezed it.

“Why are you always asking me if you're not enough? Am _I_ not enough?”

Winwin looked at him in wonder, happy that Yuta had taken his admittance of vulnerability and turned it on its head. Winwin smiled, and that moment could have lasted forever for the both of them.

“Yuta... you're more than enough. Thank you.”

“You're more than enough, too. This is so perfect, you don't even know. Winwin, I love you. I love you so much. I can't believe you love me too. I'll kiss your hands all day if you'll let me.”

Winwin grinned and threaded his fingers through Yuta's, bringing a hand up to kiss it and Yuta's heart nearly exploded on the spot at the sight, at the feelings.

“And if I want to kiss yours?” Winwin asked, brow arching.

“Yes,” said Yuta. _“Yes.”_

Winwin's soft lips touched Yuta's fingers again, and Yuta's heart skipped a beat as he heard the soft sound of lips against skin. Winwin looked up at him through his eyelashes and straightened, fingers still interlaced.

"Shall we run through the choreography again?"

"God, yes," Yuta said. They rearranged themselves into the starting position, Yuta not bothering to hide his feelings any longer, a blush lingering on Winwin's smooth cheeks. They stole a giddy look at each other, before Winwin's face changed, ready for the next performance, and Yuta followed suit. The opening piano notes played once again. They moved.


End file.
